Falling for the Forest Ranger Page 9

  “Tanner!” Jonah’s voice filled the hallway like a shout.

  Tilting his head, Tanner saw the boy standing outside his mother’s office door, clutching a large red ball to his chest.

  “Hi, partner.” Tanner was caught—no use in trying to run now.

  He walked the few yards to the door and went inside the office with Jonah. The little boy slipped his hand inside Tanner’s and held tight, grinning wide. As he enfolded Jonah’s warm fingers with his own, Tanner’s heart gave a hard squeeze.

  Zoë stood in front of her computer, dressed in blue jeans. Her white blouse and turquoise jacket darkened the color of her eyes. Casual, yet professional. Her spiky hairstyle accented her pixie face and suited her spunky personality. Tanner thought she was the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen.

  She held her purse in one hand, the computer mouse in the other, getting ready to leave.

  “Hi, Tanner.” She glanced up and flashed that dazzling smile of hers.

  “You on your way out?” he asked.

  “Yeah, we’re driving over to pick up the Milan kids. We’re having a playdate at our house this afternoon.”

  Tanner’s stomach gave an odd little twist. For just a moment, he wished he could join them. The thought of playing football or going fishing with Jonah brought him a strange sense of contentment. He had to keep reminding himself he wasn’t Jonah’s father and this wasn’t his family. And he preferred it that way.

  Of course he did.

  “There. I’ve shut my computer down and we’re ready to go.” She stepped around her desk, pulling the strap of her purse up over her shoulder.

  Tanner lifted a hand to indicate the hallway. “I just thought I’d stop by and say hi.”

  Okay, it was an excuse. A barrier to protect his own heart. Until he’d seen her, he’d had half a mind to ignore his resolve not to get any closer and ask her if he could take her and Jonah out for dinner tonight. Now he couldn’t get the words past his constricted throat.

  Jonah bounced the ball one more time, letting it roll across the flat carpet until it bumped against the opposite wall. “Hey, Tanner, will you be my daddy?”

  Tanner’s mouth dropped open in surprise. The air left his lungs in a quick whoosh and he felt as though he’d been slugged in the gut.

  “Jonah!” Zoë looked at her son as if he’d just slapped her, too.

  “Um, what do you mean?” Tanner almost choked on the words. How he wished he could be this boy’s father. But that would mean he’d have to be Zoë’s husband. And that was impossible under the circumstances.

  “For the father-son outing. I need a dad to go with me.” The boy smiled happily, completely unaware of the consternation his request had caused the adults in the room.

  “The father-son outing?” Tanner clenched his hands, finding them slightly damp. He looked at Zoë for help.

  She hitched one shoulder and gave him an apologetic frown before speaking to Jonah. “Remember we talked about this, hon. I’m going to see if you can go with Blaine. If he can’t take you, Paul has offered to do so.”

  “But I don’t want Blaine or Paul to take me. I want to go with Tanner.”

  “Do you mean Blaine Milan, by chance?” Tanner asked.

  Zoë nodded, her face slightly red with embarrassment. Her son’s candor obviously upset her. “Yes, do you know him?”

  “Very well. He owns Milan’s Gas Station downtown. We have a contract to buy our fuel from him. From what I’ve seen, he’s a good man.”

  “Yes, his wife, Debbie, and I have become very good friends. Jonah plays with their son Billie all the time. I’m sorry, Tanner. I didn’t know Jonah was going to ask you to do this. He’s just a kid and doesn’t always think things through before he jumps in with both feet.”

  Yeah, a cute little kid that Tanner had grown to love in spite of his vow never to do so.

  “Can’t your mom take you?” Tanner asked Jonah.

  “Of course not! She’s a girl. This outing is just for us guys.” Jonah’s nose crinkled with repugnance, as if his point was obvious to everyone.

  “And what is this you want me to take you to again?” Tanner felt cornered and uncertain.

  Zoë quickly explained about the daylong outing at Camp Fleshermann, located in the mountains about sixty miles outside of town. She then pointed out to Jonah that the church had made a point of advising parents that no boy would be turned away because he didn’t have a father. They had plenty of men who would “adopt” a son for the day. No one would be left behind. But that didn’t seem good enough for Jonah.

  “Paul doesn’t really like me. He only offered because he wants to date Mom,” Jonah told Tanner.

  Zoë gasped. “Jonah!”

  “Well, it’s true. And you told me not to lie.”

  Her eyes narrowed, her voice slightly scolding. “Paul’s never asked me out.”

  “Not yet. But everyone’s talking about it at church, Mom. He’ll ask you, just wait and see.”

  Zoë’s eyes widened in shock. “What do you mean everyone’s talking about it?”

  “I heard Tim and Josh talking about it,” Jonah explained. “Tim and Josh are Paul’s sons, so they know who their dad wants to date.”

  Zoë’s mouth hardened. “Well, don’t worry about it. I get the last word on the matter. Paul hasn’t asked me out, and if he does—”

  She let the thought hang, but Tanner admitted he liked her negative tone. He sensed that she didn’t like this Paul fellow, which suited Tanner just fine.

  “Good. I don’t like Paul,” Jonah said.

  Neither did Tanner, though he had no reason not to. After all, Tanner had never met the guy. And he would have laughed if he hadn’t been feeling so territorial. Though he had no right to interfere, Tanner didn’t want Zoë going out with other men, which wasn’t logical. She had a right to date and be happy, especially if he didn’t intend to ask her out. “And this event is sponsored by your church?”

  Dragging her gaze away from her son, Zoë nodded.

  “I want you to go out with Tanner. I want him to take me on the father-son outing.” Jonah jerked his thumb at Tanner, speaking to his mother as though Tanner weren’t standing right there listening to every word.

  Zoë tossed her head with an embarrassed laugh. “Let’s talk about it later when we get home.”

  The room seemed to close in on Tanner. He felt overheated in spite of the cool breeze whisking past his face from the air conditioner.

  “But, Mom—”

  Zoë rested a hand on her hip and scowled at her son. “Jonah Aaron Lawton, we will have this discussion in private at home. Got it?”

  As if sensing that he’d pushed his mother too far, Jonah nodded, not looking any too happy about it. His response showed his true feelings. “Yes, I got it!”

  The boy brushed past Tanner and ran down the hall to the stairwell.

  “Jonah!” Zoë went after her son, pausing when she saw him leaning against the wall and glaring down at the gray carpet. Now and then, he tossed an angry look at his mom.

  Tanner stood just behind Zoë, feeling out of place. Undoubtedly, this church outing meant a lot to the boy. But what could Tanner do about it?

  Zoë released a pensive sigh, her eyes meeting Tanner’s. “I’m so sorry about this. I didn’t know Jonah was going to bushwhack you or that he’d overheard things like that at church. He was out of line to—”

  “It’s okay, Zoë.” Tanner had heard enough. How bad could the outing be? He already knew a number of the dads, including Blaine Milan and Terry Sadler. It was a small community and they weren’t strangers to him.

  “I just don’t want you to feel obligated,” she said.

  Tanner took a deep inhale. “If it means that much to Jonah, I’ll take him.”

&
nbsp; Now he’d done it. He couldn’t believe he’d agreed. It seemed he had no self-control as far as Jonah was concerned. Before her death, Tanner’s mom had dated a few men he hadn’t liked. And Tanner didn’t want Jonah going through that. Or Zoë, for that matter. She deserved so much better. She deserved a man like—

  Who? Him?

  Yes! No!

  Oh, he didn’t know anymore.

  Tanner looked away, trying to settle his raw nerves. If nothing else, Zoë wouldn’t be with them on the outing. It was just for the men and boys. Tanner could ensure Jonah had a good time, kind of like a big-brother thing. It didn’t include any uncomfortable commitments. Just a fun day together. Right?

  Of course right.

  “You don’t need to take him,” Zoë said. “Blaine can take Jonah. They should do just fine together and I know how much you dislike religion.”

  Tanner quirked one brow. “I never said I had anything against religion. It’s just that... There’s not gonna be a lot of religious stuff, is there? It’s only a day outing of activities?”

  “Yes, they’re going to play games, make fun crafts, have a barbecue, go fishing, things like that. But in all honesty, they’re also having a morning devotional to start the day off right. It’ll include prayer. So, yes, God will be a part of it, too.”

  He figured as much. But he appreciated her honesty, something he’d never had from Cheryl. He could handle a day outing just fine. Before his grandfather had died, he’d taken Tanner to a few of these types of church outings. And Tanner had loved every minute of them. The hiking, swimming, fishing and games. Even the devotionals. And his grandpa’s deep baritone voice as he sang the hymns. Once Tanner went into foster care, all that ended. Tanner wanted more for Jonah. To have good, clean fun. To laugh and build relationships with the other boys. To create wonderful lifelong memories that would sustain him during difficult times ahead.

  With him. Not with Paul or even Blaine.

  “I’ll take him.” And Tanner meant it. He really wanted to go, for better or worse. He just hoped he wouldn’t regret it later on.

  Zoë peered at Tanner as if he’d lost his mind. “Are you absolutely sure you want to take Jonah to the father-son outing?”

  A heavy weight settled in the pit of her stomach. She didn’t feel good about this. Tanner had been her choice to take Jonah all along, but she was also highly conscious of how Tanner felt about God. Prayer and faith were so important to Zoë, and it hurt her deeply that Tanner wanted nothing to do with them in his life.

  “Yep, I’m sure.” He gave her a slow smile that turned her heart to mush.

  “I’d like you to take him, but...”

  “But what? You prefer Paul over me?”

  “No, of course not! I mean, yes.” She hesitated, hoping he wouldn’t get the wrong idea. “No. That’s not it at all.”

  “Then what?” He tilted his head in that tolerant manner of his that told her he was genuinely interested in what she had to say. His expressive eyes narrowed on her face, looking deep inside her soul.

  “It’s just that the Lord means everything to me, Tanner. He’s the basis of my life. Him and Jonah. And I don’t want anything to damage that for my son.”

  “I understand that, but what are you getting at?” He spoke softly, his jaw clenched.

  “I...I don’t want you to say anything to Jonah that might make him feel the way you do about God.” Okay, she’d blurted it out, but she had to be truthful with Tanner. She couldn’t pretend. Not about this. It was too important to her.

  Tanner clamped his mouth tight, his eyes hardening. “I would never do that, Zoë. Not ever.”

  “Maybe not intentionally, but your feelings might come out in other ways.”

  “What ways?”

  “I don’t know.” She shook her head in frustration. An icy fist clutched her heart. She hated insulting this kind man or making him feel inept in any way. But she was Jonah’s mother and she had to put her child’s well-being above everything else. She had to be sure Tanner wouldn’t do or say anything to damage her son’s faith. She had to raise her child as she saw fit. And no one else had a right to undermine her efforts, even if it was done innocently enough.

  A flash of pain filled Tanner’s eyes, then was gone. So fast that she thought she’d imagined it. But she knew better. She’d hurt him. Deeply. After he’d been so kind to her and Jonah.

  Tanner’s voice sounded gruff with emotion. “I appreciate your honesty more than I can say. But I won’t include my personal feelings about God in my conversations with Jonah. Not ever.”

  “What happened to make you so indifferent to God?” She shouldn’t inquire into his personal business. She had no right. And yet, she felt compelled to ask.

  “I got dumped. By my fiancée. Just weeks before the wedding. I learned my lesson. End of story.” He gave a harsh laugh, as though trying to brush it off. But she wasn’t fooled. Not one bit.

  “How long ago was this?”

  He looked away. “Just over two years.”

  “And you blame God?”

  “Not really. It was Cheryl’s fault. And mine. I never should have trusted her.”

  He sounded so cynical and pessimistic. And Zoë couldn’t help wondering if that was why he seemed to fight getting closer to her. Because he’d been hurt. Because he didn’t trust her. Or was it because he didn’t trust all women?

  “Then you believe in God. You’re just angry at Him.” She made it a statement, not a question.

  “I guess so. God kind of became a casualty in my life. I’ve lost everyone that ever meant anything to me, so I stopped trusting Him. I figured I didn’t need the Lord anymore, either.” He glanced down the hallway at the door to the stairwell, as though he longed to escape.

  “Believe me, I understand that feeling.” She spoke in a kind tone, trying to put him at ease. “After Derek died, I was so angry at God. I had a new baby to raise without a father. I couldn’t figure out why the Lord would take my husband when we needed him so desperately.”

  “Yeah, that’d be pretty bad,” he agreed.

  “But then some wonderful things happened in my life. Somehow I pulled good grades in school with very little sleep. I got scholarships and a new job with a supportive boss who allowed me to study when I wasn’t busy with work. I found a fabulous babysitter who loved and cared for Jonah. The Lord took my husband, but He stayed with me while I figured out my life. It hasn’t been easy, but I’ve never felt alone or abandoned. Not once. And I’m stronger because of it. I don’t know why God took Derek, but I know it must be for my betterment. I believe there were lessons I needed to learn and the Lord knew this was the best way for that to happen. Sometime down the road, I’ll understand. I just have to trust that God has my best interests at heart.”

  Tanner blinked at her, as though digesting what she’d said. As though he didn’t quite believe her.

  “Your faith amazes me. If anyone has a right to turn away from God, you do,” he said.

  She caught not a single hint of sarcasm in his tone. But maybe she’d told him too much. He’d always been so easy to talk to, in spite of their rough beginning. In spite of their different work methods. She just wished they could be—

  What?

  More than friends. She didn’t dare confide that longing, even to herself. At least not out loud. Falling for this man should be the last thing on her mind right now. She had her work to do and then she’d take Jonah back to Portland.

  “I appreciate your telling me these things,” he said. “Really, I do. But it doesn’t change anything for me.”

  What else could he say? She’d unloaded a lot on him, without his even asking. Confiding in each other wasn’t going to heal his injured soul. It’d take time and a lot of faith to do that.

  “So, are you gonna let me take Jo
nah to the father-son outing?”

  His words helped her slough off the glum mood she’d fallen into. In spite of everything, Tanner still wanted to take Jonah.

  She chuckled. “Of course. He told me last night that, except for Billie and me, you’re his best friend. I don’t think you’ll ever know how much that fishing trip meant to him.”

  “Oh, I think I’ve got a pretty good idea.” He showed a warm smile of understanding.

  “You and I have worked quite a bit together and I trust you with my most prized possession, Tanner. But don’t you think it’s time you let your anger at the Lord go?”

  The blood drained from his face, as though she’d slapped him. He stared deeply into her eyes, as though he could read her thoughts. Rather than turning away, he reached out and brushed a short wisp of hair back from her cheek. The warmth of his fingers against her skin sent a zing of electricity through her.

  Did he feel it, too?

  “My dear Ms. Lawton, I think you should mind your own business.” His voice sounded low and composed, not a smidgen of anger to be heard.

  Okay, he’d put her in her place quite gently. She had no right to interfere. She must accept that. But she couldn’t help worrying about him. And wishing he could feel the way she did about God.

  He stepped back, breaking the moment. She almost sagged against the wall, wondering why this man had such a strong impact on her. He stood there wearing his Forest Service uniform, looking tall and handsome and in control.

  Her knees wobbled and her arms felt weak. Being close to Tanner made her feel all quivery inside. But she was in danger of crossing barrier lines. She realized that neither she nor Tanner could allow that to happen. They both carried too much extra baggage to let down their guard easily. And even if they let each other in, their relationship wouldn’t last very long into the future.

  “What time should I pick Jonah up?” Tanner smiled as he slung his thumbs into the pockets of his green Forest Service pants.

  Somehow she mumbled the information, then waited for his confirming nod. Their deep conversation was over. Time to move on to normal, everyday life again.